Pentecost Sunday

Tomorrow is Pentecost Sunday. It is a day of commemoration and celebration of the 50th day following the resurrection of Jesus—the day (according to the Acts of the Apostles, chapter 2) that the Holy Spirit was given to the apostles and other followers of Jesus. It is considered to be the birth of the Christian Church.

Today, as I prepare to dress the altar in my current place of worship, I am painfully reminded of Pentecost Sunday, 2009, a day that began beautifully and joyously in the church I was attending, but ended in gut-wrenching pain and confusion for Big Dawg and me, as our request for membership was euphemistically burned at the stake. The church was in turmoil. We were in shock. The young, inexperienced pastors were immobilized, despite having been largely responsible for the disaster. Since that time nothing has been okay. There has been no respite, no core reconciliation and no going forward. This church has added another sad chapter to it’s history of passive/aggressive behavior. And we languish in the field wondering where we will ever find a comfortable fit in the Body of Christ. There is something so glaringly wrong with this picture. BD and I initiated and expressed forgiveness to the pastoral leadership, yet no confession of responsibility has reached us…sorrow for loss, but not accountability.

I live in a church world I do not understand. There is a bedrock of discipleship, but it is in dire need of a face-lift. No one likes change, but change it must and eventually will. The question is: how many dead and mangled bodies will be piled up along the way? I’m feeling pretty mangled right now. I’m so messed up that I actually miss the church that threw us out! But it is not the same and one cannot go backward. Everything changes and everything stays the same. What a conundrum! I am once again a bird on a wire, and it’s not a comfortable place to be.

At the church I currently attend, I am accepted, but I do not feel affirmed. They don’t seem to see the difference. It’s a cultural thing, I guess. Teutonic peoples are very different from demonstrative middle easterners. When AD was with us, we were a unit. Now I am feeling alone. They tell me it takes longer than a year to feel a part of things. Now why on earth—in God’s Good Church—should that be the case? Why indeed? I have no acceptable answer, but it appears to be my problem.

I am a mass of painful memories, losses and lack of purposeful direction.

If you have a suggestion, please pass it on.

My prayer is very simple: Please help me.

2 Responses to “Pentecost Sunday”

  1. May 22, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Hello Naomi…I read your blog with great sorrow for you and BD…And for the church that causes so much pain..and the church at large. I experienced lack of love, and acceptance from the church at a very dark time in my life….not of my own making. And really it has never been restored. I conclude for me: There are too many people in the church with veiled faces, hearts and minds. It is made up of imperfect people who in my opinion have little or no understanding of what God’s love truly is. That is the saddest fact of all. And there are few courageous people in the church who will be open enough to explore the source of their OWN pain..misguided beliefs, and totally wrong thinking…Hearts are not open. If the church, any church was broad enough to open their hearts, perhaps the true heart of God in any church would be broken wide open, with room for all. I don’t find the church any where so far…to be a place where God is not stifled in some way. These are purely my own thoughts. But I believe them to be true.

    I pray for you and BD to find peace in the people who care deeply for you and love you deeply, for it is in that love that God/Jesus truly resides. And one day soon find a church that might be that broad. I don’t mean to make light of your pain, and deep desire to find that place where you can worship freely and with true acceptance. In the meantime..know you are loved, held gently and lovingly in God’s precious care. With Love, Janet

  2. 2 Meg
    May 23, 2010 at 12:04 am

    Dearest Sister,

    I grieve for you, too. Tomorrow is a big day for us in DG. My hope is that our congregation will be open to affirming so that in our little corner of God’s world we can bring light, love and grace to all. It will be a small step, and yet a big one…another wall knocked down.

    I read this post to John just now. He asked me to suggest that you write poetry about the depth of pain and about AD. You write so eloquently and so honestly from deep within you. It is a gift.

    It’s late now. Time to get some rest. I shall keep you close tonight in my prayers and as I drift off, I’ll send you gratitude for who you are, for where we’ve been together and lots and lots of ba-cheegs!


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