Seven days ago Adopted Daughter and I came to terms. She spoke to me and I to her. I felt her presence. That evening I went to a Taize prayer service and lit a candle for her, for my sister, for Darling Daughter and for some other souls dear to me. It was a spectacular experience being in that church, bathed in beauty and feeling her presence.

My freedom from acedia lasted 4 days. Sometimes all it takes is for a well meaning person to say something a bit off putting and my whole structure comes tumbling down like a child’s tower of blocks. We call this phenomenon the last straw, or the straw that broke the camel’s back, or…that was just one too many! So that is what happened after 4 acedia-free days: one too many straws and I’m back slogging through the dense underbrush.

For the past 3 days I again feel as though I am moving about in a tent of gauze—layers and layers of gauze. In this gauzy tent I have added 2 more Kathleen Norris books: Amazing Grace and The Virgin of Bennington. I am now starting on The Cloister Walk, her account of becoming a Benedictine Oblate. I am looking for something…an answer to a question I do not know and cannot ask.

I have to balance carefully so that I do not slip off into depression. Now in my 7th decade, having lost more than I care to count, I no longer see an open ended future as I once did—as the young do. I see an ending now and time becomes a gift…no longer taken for granted. One day I will pass to the other side and I think it will be grand. I do not plan to leave any secrets behind—any stones unturned—any opportunities unappreciated, even if unacceptable.

2 Responses to “addenda”

  1. 1 Anne
    May 13, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    “I am looking for something…an answer to a question I do not know and cannot ask.” Is there something in the air? I identify and, while you say you are being careful not to slip into depression, I seem to have fallen off the ledge and not sure how to find my way back. Having my own faith crisis. It all seemed so much easier when, in the old place, faith was simple or maybe simplistic. I live with the Mystery and this is OK but sometimes I want to be able to touch it. I actually think I’ve been in the dark night time for a lot longer than I even realized. Feel free to delete this if you want.

    • 2 Naomi
      May 14, 2010 at 7:15 am

      When you say “the old place” I connect. The old place has left its mark on us. We in this house can’t seem to set it aside…don’t want to go back but dearly miss some of the very good stuff that happened there. More than that, we miss the touching one another that we had. We truly walked together and lived together. Now it is in my blood and I cannot make peace with half a loaf. When you were there dancing, my soul filled with old-time joy. This is the sort of joy I want more of. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong place? There is an elephant in the room and I do not see it, just know it’s there. Can’t walk around it. Let’s see if together we can discover its size and shape.

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May 2010

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