I wonder if losing a hand is anything like losing a daughter…even an adopted one? I wonder if losing a friend is like losing an adopted daughter? I wonder about a lot of things these days, like why I am called to lose this hand while having to hold on to its arm? I wonder why this is happening during Lent when my denomination’s theme is Holding On and Letting Go? I wonder how Mary Magdalene and the other Mary did this at Calvary? I don’t wonder how the disciples did it because I know they could not, at Calvary. It took Jesus meeting them on the road to help them get back on track. After that of course, they did quite well…except for one…

But I am not a traitor and am not falling asleep. I keep watch each hour and even when stumbling I am still putting one foot in front of the other…holding on and letting go. I have seen much radiant light in this watch with my adopted daughter, friend and teammate, but I have not yet received the knowing…that enlightenment that God always sends when I am ready and the time is right. So I wonder why this person dying too young from cancer…and so like a suffering child in some respects…has been chosen to leave before her time. Or is this her time and I am just too self-bound to see it?  Has God chosen her to be his paschal lamb this year of our Lord, 2010?

I wonder because I cannot yet grieve as deeply as I’d like. I am a care giver. That is my job right now: giving care—loving care. Wondering fills the void of  loss. I am wondering because I cannot rejoice. I am no saint. I am wondering like a soul wandering in its velvet deep chamber—discomfited and discontent. I did not choose this assignment. It chose me. Once again I am in God’s transformation class, hoping to graduate as soon as possible. Last year at Lent, it was a class in transformation through rejection. This year it is a class in transformation through loss and that’s my weakest subject! Never was good at loss. Don’t expect to ever excel at it. Just hope to make it through without losing at loss. I am speaking in riddles. My heart is a labyrinth of wonderment.

8 Responses to “wondering”

  1. 1 Wanda Bouwman
    March 5, 2010 at 10:06 am

    My heart aches with you. My thoughts and prayers are with you constantly. You all are on my mind when I go to sleep and when I first wake up. Because of that you have even been in my dreams. May God give you strength. Love to all.

  2. 3 Anne
    March 5, 2010 at 11:03 am

    I can only pray that AD’s transition go as smoothly as possible and that God give you the strength to endure the loss. Being with her in this time is sacred and when she is gone you will surely grieve. May you sense the arms of all who love you surrounding you.

    • 4 Naomi
      March 5, 2010 at 5:15 pm

      So many arms surround us and yet I lapse into a stupor at times. I pray God takes her soon. It is beyond endurance at times.

  3. 5 Bob
    March 5, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    Dear Naomi,

    “Holding On and Letting Go” is so hard. Don’t hold too tight. May our dear Bettina go in peace. Oh the pain of letting go is so hard and will be painful, especially for you. I pray that God will give you strength and at the end after the pain the Light will shine as Bettina hovers.

    • 6 Naomi
      March 5, 2010 at 5:10 pm

      Rest assured. I’m not holding on to Bettina. I pray her suffering ends…that her spirit be released. It is something else entirely that I must hold on to. Maybe I will be able to write about that as I continue to walk this rocky path. Thank you for your love and support. Naomi

  4. 7 Janie
    March 6, 2010 at 8:48 am

    Carry on, my friend, one step at a time. Your community is walking with you through these deep waters, holding you up when necessary so the waters don’t swallow you–they won’t, you know! Love and prayers…

    • March 6, 2010 at 10:31 am

      Thank you Janie. These were very deep waters, indeed. Maybe the deepest I’ve ever had to walk through. OM stayed the night with us, so I could sleep. What a blessing he is. She is in the active stage of dying now…in a coma, but because the heart is strong and she is young, there is a battle going in between physical body and spirit. I feel as though some aspect of spirit is already released and hanging around in the room waiting for the rest of itself. Naomi

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March 2010

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