21
Jan
10

dreams

My heart is heavy and I cannot get to sleep. Adopted Daughter has begun her descent. The cancer has metastasized to her lungs. It will be all over in a matter of months…4…6? We don’t know, but I’ve been here before and I know what awaits. I feel as though something is being ripped right out of my body. I am not afraid of death and neither is she. We’ve been cancer buddies since 2006. I am in remission. She is host to her 4th and final recurrence. Her body is unable to accommodate the toxicity of additional treatment. We are reluctant sufferers—she of physical pain, I of the emotional pain of loss. Grief is what my work will be about now…letting go, a very fitting task for the Lenten season ahead. Timing is everything, they say.

AD is dying just a bit more quickly than we’d hoped, but it’s all relative you know. The physical body doesn’t give up as easily as the spirit. That’s why the descent is so arduous. Suffering Servant. At our last, if we are mindful and understand the meaning of life, we get to live our own Pasch and on to that final trip home. I was there once and I know how comforting that homecoming can feel. Medical science kept me from going home, but it can’t do the same for AD. We ask for healing, but there are many aspects to healing. It isn’t always on the physical plane. I wanted just a couple more years for her…for our adopted family. There were things we wanted to do. We wanted to play. I will have to learn how to walk back and forth through the veil the way she will soon be doing. Walking with one who is dying is a great privilege, one I want to have and feel blessed to have…but I hoped it would be just a bit later…after we lived our dreams, played our games and turned down the lamp.

We had prayed for 2-1/2 more years…to her retirement. We all were going to take time off, get ourselves a big RV, paint it beautiful and roam the country for a couple of months. We had plans to drop in on some of those churches that are having a little problem with understanding that Jesus included everyone in the kingdom, most especially the lowliest ones. We had dreams. I’m not sure I can manage dreams without Ms. AD hanging around with her effervescent optimism. Who will say, “Come on, we’re the wild ones!”

My heart is heavy and I cannot stay asleep. Jesus help me live in peace…

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5 Responses to “dreams”


  1. 1 Anne
    January 21, 2010 at 10:38 am

    I’m praying for a miracle, trusting God to know the shape of it. And, sending you and your little family virtual hugs.

  2. 2 ordinary (mostly)
    January 21, 2010 at 10:56 am

    .

    • January 21, 2010 at 11:00 am

      Dearest OM, Although it is heart-breaking and so very heavy, it is not over until it is over. We will all travel the descending path…the birth canal back to God…to eternity.

      • 4 ordinary (mostly)
        January 21, 2010 at 2:39 pm

        Ah – sorry. My intent was to let you know that I had read your words, but that I didn’t have anything to add to that which I’ve said to you in some way before. The next time I leave random punctuation around your blog, you’ll know what I mean.

        • 5 Naomi
          January 23, 2010 at 8:37 am

          I understood that, but thought you could use a bit of encouragement yourself. For my part, I am voraciously using every bit that comes our way. Many people praying and caring is a symphony my third eye hears, for sure! 🙂


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