11
Aug
09

green shoots sequel: testing

Two days ago I received news that threw me painfully back to the green shoots post of Aug 8th. Wounds that had been healing were open once again and I was back to wrestling with hurt, and the anger that wants to cover it over and seal me in a tomb.

Although I have moved on to another congregation, this new and definitive bit of information concerning the membership debacle at my former church hit me right between the eyes and my heart was broken once again. I am basically an idealist in all of life—both sacred and secular. Despite my efforts to face life as it comes to me, I remain at the core, an idealist. This is especially so in my view of the Body of Christ as a covenanted community of believers. It was a difficult road…staying open to the smarting of a scab ripped off.

I can’t say that angels hovered over me or that I received a divine revelation from God, but I can say that I struggled with my demons for 24 hours wanting to be angry. I chose to feel the heartbreak instead and had lots of tears and palpable pain. My partner (Big Dawg), adopted daughter, and darling daughter were around and willing to listen and comfort. That was a great blessing.

Before I went to sleep, I read through the history of the church in the city where we are now happy to attend. When I woke this morning, I felt relieved and refreshed. Was it an angel in the night? I doubt it. I think recovery had something to do with having read about this little congregation and its struggle to be open to God’s life within it no matter what.

I saw God Spirit nestled right inside Community Spirit all along the rocky path of a good portion of this congregation’s history. Big Dawg and I had come from intentional Christian community 30 years ago. We’d become Christians in Discipleship there and although there was much about it that was wonderful, there was also much about it that was hurtful. We left there because we could not fit as a couple. In all those 30 years that followed, we never found a spiritual home and soon stopped even looking. We wandered in the desert for a very long time. The congregation that we left in June of this year could not fit us in as a couple either. It was not much of a community, but we didn’t know there was such a thing outside of the communal setting, so we accepted it as it was. They, however did not accept us as we were and now it was quite clear that the person who could start the engine going in the compassion and forgiveness direction claimed difference of opinion as to what happened and how, was not going to come through. Yes, it threw me because I had left the door wide open for this to happen. Confession and forgiveness: two of the big ones that underlie repentance—turning around.

So what happened? Did God take pity on me and lift my burden quickly or was it just luck? I don’t know the mind of God, but I do know when I am being lifted onto my feet by mother/father God. Feet of clay is what I had seen at the trusted level of leadership, which I thought would eventually come through to do the right thing. Now I see that self interest comes in many shapes and sizes and I must see it in myself as well.

Please, God, let me never be so self protected that I inflict serious harm to those I claim to honor. And when I do, may I come around quickly enough to keep myself from causing undo harm and heartache. Amen.

YHWH 1x3.5

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