Archive for July 24th, 2009


120+ interesting minutes

So the interview is over and I am glad to have received the grace to participate without worrying it to death. It went well and I am now quite a few hours older than I was when it started! Funny how time measures our lives forward and backward. There are a million things I would have liked to have said but the final product will be only 3 minutes, so no point in thinking about those million things. God knows all about them…the struggles, the heartbreaks, the poor choices, the joys and sorrows. When you get to be a golden oldie (senior citizen) you’ve left quite a trail.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the past year, how it’s been one of the most painful of my golden life. I even felt that I’d rather have 6 chemo cycles than relive any part of it. But…time! Time is a slippery bit of illusion. One wakes up and finds 7 or 8 hours have past like the turning of pages in a book, bringing up the next chapter. So today, I woke up and didn’t think much at all. Just went moment by moment doing things, waiting for the interview to start and be over. Now I’m thinking and it’s still a painful year lodged in my mind’s vision, but maybe my God will do something wonderful and green shoots will rise and sway gracefully in the breeze that is the Spirit of God.

I am an idealist and an ardent proponent of being alive while alive and doing my best at most everything I’m given to do. That includes speaking my truth and having my voice…the one God gave me and encourages me to use audibly. So I did that this afternoon. Only broke down once…when I talked about being a church refugee and not knowing how I will use my worship gifts. I can feel tears when I think about how much I have lost and how much my former church has lost. There are no winners here. It is a pointless stalemate. God does not laugh. God cries as I do—for the senseless loss, like dead bodies on the battle field.

Ah, but you wanted to know how the interview went, right? He was pleased. My dear friend who came to watch was pleased, and I have no idea.

Respectfully submitted.

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July 2009
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